Dear Tom,

Let’s talk about sex.

Fact: I haven’t had sex in nearly three years. At least not with another person. (Yes, Internet, I did just openly admit to masturbation. Guess what? Girls do it too. Deal with it.)

Embarrassingly, my experience in the sack can basically be summed up by too many vodkas, an unmade bed, underwear around my ankles and my boyfriend at the time huffing an puffing on top of me until he groaned and collapsed on my chest. I never really enjoyed it—not like those screaming girls on the internet seem to—but I figured that’s just what happened in relationships. Sex happened whether you were into it or not. ‘Cos a relationship without sex is just a friendship, right?

And, as if to highlight just how inexperienced I am when it comes to sex, I’ve gotten into the immature habit of calling it sassy-time. How’s that for grown up?

Fact: Tom, you look as if you’ve had many a sassy-time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling you a slut, just that you have this air of confidence about you and it screams experience. That, and the fact that you’re eyes are so annoyingly piercing I bet you could just wink at girl and she’d spread her legs. I’m sorry but it’s true.

Fact: I have imagined you naked. But girls imagine guys naked probably as much as guys imagine girls naked.

Fact: I may have possibly had a sassy-dream about you as well…

And in regards to your letter…

Fact: I did ignore your pleas to stop including you in my blog.

Fact: As predicted, I did post your letter to my blog.

But, fact: I didn’t ignore you. I was so non-ignoring you that I even took your advice…
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